jordyns_dcau

Ascension

2009-07-19T07:05:56Z

When you think of warehouses and docks, what's the first thing that comes to mind? If you said "places where DCAU episodes start" well, hoo boy. Lemme tell you. A lot of them start there.

Also science labs.

The episode Ascension opens at...a warehouse! For a company called Plastech. The dudes are robbing it, and you can tell they're robbing it because they just ripped the door open.

Blight is there, doing his glowing thing and part of his suit his ruined. Mostly the sleeves because I guess his forearms are the hottest parts. Still that jacket ain't getting worn again, and the next time he Blights out, he just ruins whatever jacket he has on and how many jackets is he going through? Has he thought of taking his clothes off beforehand? I dunno, I'm really starting to ramble here and we're not even through the opening scene yet.

So they're stealing plastic crap and it's going just great, until Batman shows up because he's Batman, and you're a glowing man standing in a ripped open doorway like a goddamn beacon for authority figures. A fight ensues, and breaks up the robbery, despite Blight shooting radioactive plasma blasts at Batman. He doesn't get away with much though, and one of his goons is crushed by a bunch of barrels, and gets left behind. Terry throws the barrels off him and grabs him when a Wayne-Powers security badge falls out of the goon's jacket.

Curious, no?

At, I dunno, some place with his crazy scientists, Blight is getting ready to get another skin put on him. I can't help but wonder about, ya know...his junk. Does he still have it? If he does, I imagine it would get uh "skinned" like the rest of him, but if he doesn't, does he get fake junk made? Does he get the Ken Doll? If's he gettin' the Ken doll how does he pee?

He's gotta still have junk...

Ok well the scientist guys are like, you're almost out of skin and you're going through it faster and faster and your temper is just fucking crazy, totally goddamn crazy. Powers FREAKS OUT. I KNOW I HAVE A BAD TEMPER WHAT THE FUCK I AM RADIOACTIVE NOW I'M GETTING IT EVERYWHERE LOOK WHAT YOU DID. He tells the scientist guys that they're stupid and he's gonna make other arrangements. The scientists hide their hurt feelings.

Now we're in uh...some Spanish-speaking country and some protestors are yelling "PAXTON POWERS POLLUTER" outside a building. Up on a high floor, a dude, Paxton Powers is looking down at them, and thinking about just throwing his lunch wrapper right off the balcony just to be a dick. A lady with a fancy suit that Two-Face would pop a double boner for:

tells Paxton that he needs to go back to Gotham and visit his daddy, Derek Powers.

BEE TEE DUB.

DEREK POWERS IS BLIGHT.

So Paxton does, and he's in the car talking to Powers. These two guys are a couple of huge assholes, trying hard to out asshole each other. Powers informs Paxton that he's going to put him in charge of Wayne-Powers. Paxton is like, whatever, you're an asshole and Powers is like, I KNOW I AM AND CHECK OUT MY GLOWY EYES!

He douses Paxton with eye radiation and Paxton recoils in horror. Powers reaches down to his wrist and rips off a chunk of flesh. Ew! Oh god it's all glowy there too! Why are you doing this, Dad? Stop, please.

As they arrive at Wayne-Powers, there's more people outside chanting. And they learned the exact same chant as the poeple in whatever other country we were in before. PAXTON POWERS POLLUTER. Meanwhile Terry is also driving Bruce to Wayne-Powers, and as he drops him off, tells Bruce to look into the connection between Blight and Powers. Terry! Terry! Look at the damn suits Powers always wears! Please just look for like 10 seconds. Ah nevermind.

Upstairs the meeting to introduce Paxton as new acting chairman has already started when Bruce walks in, but he does not seem to give a fuck. Powers says that Paxton is in charge now and Bruce stares at him, and the camera zooms in and his cold eyes almost get me to start confessing to crimes.

Somehow a couple of protestors manage to get into the meeting room, and throw a bunch of dead fish onto the meeting table. Ew! Oh god Powers is just super pissed off! His eyes start to crack and Paxton tries to calm him down. No no no, he will not have it. He hates fish and he wanted those fish dead, but he didn't want them on this table goddammit. His face gets worse and worse until finally, oh god, everyone can see how it's cracking and glowing and all his skin is coming off and his suit is getting ruined and Bruce and Terry are both like "ooooooooooh FUCK. I knew that suit looked familiar!"

Blight leaps at one of the protestors that had come into the meeting room and is like "I'll show you how to kill some fish!" Bruce hits him with his cane and Blight turns his attention to Bruce instead, the radiation probably providing treatment for types of cancer Bruce didn't even know he had. Before Blight can kill Bruce though, Batman leaps in and saves the day. Blight starts firing radioactive ball things at him, one of which Terry manages to deflect with an incredibly strong lunch tray.

Blight takes off down a hallway, and Terry pauses to see if Bruce is ok.

He replies, "I'm fine...Batman." Nice Bruce, do you think you could wink maybe too? Maybe slip Terry a grocery list while he helps you up? "Thanks, and could pick this stuff up while you're out and about...Batman? *wink*"

Blight is at this point gone despite being radioactive and glowing brightly. No way we could track this dude. Ah well, win some, lose some!

Back in the batcave, Bruce explains that when Powers was exposed to nerve gas on Terry's first night as Batman, he was probably treated with radiation and turned into this. Terry's happy to learn that he might be responsible and Bruce again stares angrily. I immediately feel the need to behave better, I'm so sorry Bruce.

Powers meanwhile has called Paxton and is demanding his help. He needs a new skin, a new suit, a mineral water, some gum, just so much stuff. Paxton goes all fucking counselor on him. Oh putting the skin on isn't the answer, Dad. I think you might be addicted to having skin. You need to get in some sort of program for this. I don't know where to find one, we'll probably have to start one ourselves. Powers doesn't want a program, of course, he likes the skin.

Terry is flying around looking for Powers (glowy! radioactive!) to no avail. He's about to head back to the cave when what does he see in the sky but the freakin' bat signal. He flies to the bat signal, which Paxton has lit, and throws a batarang, smashing it. "Next time," he says, "use e-mail." Oh ok, sure thing Batman. What's your e-mail? Is that batman@batman.com? Would you like a Bat-text message maybe? Can I follow your bat-tweets?

"About to drop through skylight onto a bunch of goons at Gotham Museum, wish me luck!"

"haha I beat them all up lol"

"cruising around in the batmobile, what is up my peeps!"

So Terry is all annoyed at Paxton who starts blabbing about some thing he has that can like...soak up radiation like a sponge or something and Terry's like "WHY DO I CARE? GET TO THE POINT, I HAVE TO GO FIND A BIG RADIOACTIVE GUY." Paxton explains that he wants to help Terry trap Powers and then he's got like...a net and it'll be totally cool, don't worry. Terry agrees and leaves to keep looking for Powers, while some guy walks over to Paxton. Paxton says something blah blah oh and if Batman gives them any trouble, they should kill him!

Paxton? Buddy? Sport? Maybe you should just leave Batman out of your plans all together. Because really, your tubby Mexican friend there ain't gonna be the guy that kills Batman.

Bruce has a hunch about where Powers might be and it turns out to be right. They find him holed up on, what I guess is an abandoned nuclear sub in the Gotham Harbor. Blight is hanging out, eating a sandwich, and generally looking kinda sad, like probably the sandwich isn't very good or something.

Terry leaves a batarang and a message with Paxton and updates his Twitter.

"Big stuff going down at the harbor tonight! Should be fun! :)"

At the harbor, Terry confronts Blight on the sub and leads him to what looks like the control room. Blight yells that he just wants to be left alone! I don't get why I, an insane, super-powered, theiving murderer should have to go to some kind of jail or something! Terry says that Blight killed his father, and Blight says something like, that doesn't really narrow down who you are at all.

About then, Paxton's goon jumps out and hits Blight with that net thing and starts um, sucking radiation out of him and hurting him too, it would seem. Paxton is there as well, and he is being a prick. Terry gets angry because Paxton said they were gonna, ya know get him into that therapy group and stuff and Paxton explains that he lied, and he hates his father and he hates you Batman and he's gonna try to kill you, but good luck with that.

Time for fighting! In the fight, Blight breaks out of his net thing and he's pissed at Paxton and the sub is getting rather fucked up. Bruce yells to Terry that the radiation is off the scale and Terry takes a brief moment to ponder the future children he'll never have as he watches father and son battle each other on a nuclear submarine. Is that what he would want for his children anyway? For them to hate him and him to hate them and they fight all the time over control of their multi-billion dollar company? No, it's better this way.

Bruce tells Terry to get out of there so he does, for once, with Paxton's goons in hand. The sub sinks to the bottom of the harbor with Blight trapped inside and I can't help but think about how awful the bottom of that harbor must be after years and years of super villains and their foiled plots and things going down in it. Blech.

Get this! Blight's body was never found! Terry tells Paxton to watch his back and Paxton is too dumb to realize that he means Blight probably isn't dead and is probably gonna try to fry your face off.

One more twat:

"Had to save Paxton Powers today. H8 that guy."

I Am The Night

2009-07-12T21:02:11Z

Batman is one hard working crime fighter. He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, doesn't poop, doesn't breathe, doesn't do anything except for fight crime. How does he keep himself motivated? T-shirt? Posters? Maybe a picture of his parents frowning at him and underneath it says "VENGEANCE" and then in smaller text it says "IF YOU FUCK UP, WE WILL BE SO DISAPPOINTED." That might keep him going.

I Am The Night opens with Batman sitting on this chair made out of stone or something sticking out of the wall of the cave. What the hell? Batman, I don't really think that chair is naturally occurring rock formation in that cave. Did you carve it or something? Why are you sitting in such a terrible chair?

Alfred brings him some food, and a newspaper and Batman is just being all kinds of mopey. He cries a little about oh, everything sucks, and they don't keep anyone in jail EVER. Batman asks Alfred if he "has it" and Alfred hands him a box containing two roses. He takes the box and leaves.

Downtown some little sniveling dude is all strutting around the bus stop when he asks a couple guys if they could spare some change, so he can get bus fare home. The guy is like, uh sure and and the little shit acts like he is just SUPER CLEVER for this ruse. Bus fare? HA! HE IS NOT EVEN GETTING ON THAT DAMN BUS! HA HA! He takes the four coins the guy gave him then, and throws all four in the air, and then catches all four as they come back down..

What in the fuck, how? Go try this, do it. IT IS IMPOSSIBLY DIFFICULT.

In another part of town, Bullock and Gordon are waiting on Batman so they can bust the Jazzman. Batman though, is meeting Leslie Thompkins in Crime Alley to leave those roses where his parents were killed. He ponders why he keeps doing this, and Leslie tries to make him feel better but he's just like eeeeh.

Nearby, two goons are moving in on that little dude whose name is apparently Wizard. They want their cut for letting him work that corner. Really? You want your cut of those four coins he got tonight? You really think he's making a killing pretending he needs bus fare? They're gonna start beating up on him, when Batman hears the trouble and pounces in to make with some beating ups. He does some sweet grapple hook action when OH MY GOD ONE OF THE GOONS LANDED ON THE ROSES!

NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT TODAY.

He grabs Wizard who was like, thanks but fuck you man! Batman asks Leslie if there's room for him in the mission, and she's like, haha yessssss there totally is!

Gordon and Bullock? STILL waiting for Batman.

At the mission now, Batman is saying goodbye to Leslie who tells him he should go to bed and he explain that he doesn't need sleep, ever ever ever ever don't tell him what to do.

Gordon and Bullock? Growing ever impatient, when Bullock insists that they need to go right now even though Batman ain't there yet. The bust turns out to be a set up, as the Jazzman and his goons have loads of guns and were totally ready for the cops. Batman shows up finally and helps take them out, with some more sweet grapple action. But after capturing the Jazzman, Bullock turns to show the prize to Commish who is oh no! Lying on the sidewalk! No idea when in the fight that happened, but ok!

They rush him to the hospital, and Batman's day has gone from BAD to WORSE.

He climbs in the giant window of Gordon's hotel room and starts weeping to himself when Barbara joins him. Bullock then rushes in and starts making wild accusations at Batman. Like why didn't he tell them it was a set up? He's supposed to know! Oh he didn't know? Well then this is ALL HIS FAULT. So...Bullock hates Batman when he does help. Hates him when he apparently doesn't help. What could he do that would be ok with Bullock? I have no idea.

Batman leaves to find somewhere else to sulk and Bullock shakes his fist at him in anger.

The cave seems like an excellent place to wallow, and Batman just starts going crazy and throwing things and smashing things and ripping stuff out of the ground and going craaaazy and the place is just trashed now, man.

Jazzman's been sent to the penitentary to await trial, but is determined to bust out and finish off Gordon.

Dick has now decided to take a crack at cheering up Batman, who has apparently just been wandering around in the cave for like three days. Hey buddy, how's it going? Wanna go play catch? Go fishing? Eh? Grapple hook around town? Batman complains that he doesn't do ANY good and people just get hurt and he does more good for the tourist industry! Dick doesn't bother to point out that tourism is a large industry that probably really appreciates Batman's contributions. Batman gets more and more angry until finally he grabs his cowl, rips it off and throws it down one of the caves deep caverns!

Dick thinks to himself, "I am NOT getting that back out for you.

Jazzman meanwhile is sneaking himself out of the jail in the freakin' laundry. Thanks guys. What a fucking bunch of morons running this place, honestly. Don't even check that shit, that's cool. I imagine that's how EVERYONE has escaped and they're just fucking stumped how it keeps happening.

Barbara and Dick are sitting in the Commissioner's hotel room worrying about the Jazzman's escape. Dick says there's only person who can help him now, and Barbara says "you're talking about Batman?" "I hope so," Dick replies. I wonder if Barbara ever thought to herself, Dick sure talks like he knows Batman a lot.

Dick goes to tell Bruce to shut the fuck up, quit his fucking sulking about and put his goddamn suit on. Bruce is too busy sitting in a robe and reading some papers to care.

These papers are important. They're probably not. They're probably blank. Or poetry. Probably poetry. GODDAMMIT BATMAN, Dick proclaims and decides that he's gonna go do this shit himself. He's about to take off on his motorcycle when ooooooooh man! Batman's got his suit on! Yay! Go get him Batman! Then put your robe back on though. Or just take your suit off, that'd be fine.

At the hospital, Jazzman has managed to get up the window washer's platform thing and is about to shoot Gordon when a batarang flies in hits his gun! They fight on the platform and then crash through the window. There's some major tussling, when Jazzman pulls his gun? Maybe a different gun. Everything goes to slooooooooo-mooooooooo. He points at Gordon! Oh no! Barbara diiiiiiiiives in the way! Oh no! Batman pulls out his bataraaaaaaang! Oh nooooooooo! He...he's throooowing iiiiit. Oh god, it's flying through the air!

IT GOES RIGHT INTO THE BARREL OF THE GUN.

YOU ARE A GOLDEN GOD BATMAN.

He stands on Jazzman's defeated body and beats his chest while grunting.

The sound of a gun going off finally wakes the commissioner up, who says some uplifting stuff to Batman. Awww.

Batman leaves and his heading home to clean up the mess he'd made in the cave, when...well goddammit, Wizard is BACK on that damn CORNER. He stops in about to kick his ass, when Wiz tells him he's...actually got bus fare and he's actually going home. Huh. He credits Batman for his reformation and Batman feels so warm and fuzzy inside he almost grows a pony right in his stomach. Fuck it, he thinks. I am painting rainbows in the cave.

And I'm getting a sweet cushion for my stone chair!

What I've Been Doing Instead of Writing

2008-07-08T06:05:52Z

Probably only mildly relevant.

2008-06-24T04:24:43Z

jordynno: so this lady was calling about tickets for this Scott McClellan thing tonight.
jordynno: and she had to switch them to Will Call because they never arrived, but she was thinking about just not going because it's all ya know, what really happened in the Bush White House, supposedly, but she feels like there just won't be any straight answers there.
jordynno: That even in the Q & A, it'll just be lies and crap
Ben: what
jordynno: and I was like "yeah, I understand, I've been to...things like that where it's just lies and people dodging questions and stuff"
Ben: Hahahahaha
Ben: Really?
Ben: That's hilarious.
jordynno: I didn't want to tell her that I was talking about comic books.
Ben: Yeah, see I wanted to know what was going to happen with Batman, and...
jordynno: "Dan Didio won't be honest about why Chuck Dixon got fired. It's just like the Iraq war."
Ben: hahahaha

Think I'll watch some B:TAS now, and get to work on some actual content. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Archive Updated!

2008-06-19T17:46:33Z

The episode archive has been updated. I might archive some of the other stuff in the next week or so too, if I can figure out a sensible way to categorize random crap.

Though I hear some guys at a university did that, so maybe they can help.

Speed Demons

2008-06-19T06:14:45Z

As comic book fans, we here are all too familiar with the neverending debates of which character is stronger/faster/smarter/richer/cuter/better in the sack. We cite issues and stats and power levels that change faster than uh, for relevancy's sake, let's say the weather. As fans we never get the chance to actually decide who would win and make a definitive answer and say "HERE THIS IS HOW IT GOES." But the actual writers do have that chance! And sometimes they act like they are going to do that and then don't actually do that at all!

Speed Demons opens with a lovely banner declaring that today there will be a FASTEST MAN ALIVE CHARITY RACE. The race is going to be between Superman and Central City's Scarlet Speedster, the Flash. The race has to be for charity so that everyone watching doesn't go "hey shouldn't they be saving people?"

They are saving people. With this race. It's for charity.

The episode doesn't mention how it's for charity. I hope it's not one of those "pledge a certain dollar amount per mile" sort of thing because the race is a race around the world!

ONE HUNDRED TIMES!

The earth is around 25,000 miles around. So if you pledge a penny a mile, you have just agreed to give 25,000 dollars to charity.

Don't worry too much though.

Shit's bound to go wrong.

At the race, Superman comes flying through the air, waving to fans. I guess he doesn't want to get his running shoes dirty. Yeah, there's Lois, yep, point your butt at her, very nice. Jimmy tells Lois that he is so sure Superman is gonna win this and did she see how Superman just pointed his butt at him? That was totally weird. Lois laughs and says not to be so sure, because this guy from Central City is pretty damn fast too. Well if he's so fast, Jimmy wonders, where is he?

I don't know, maybe he's saving someone Jimmy. Maybe he's got some annoying fuck at his office who is always like "oh no I'm in trouble again."

Right then though, Flash comes zipping in and almost totally blows Lois's skirt up. Flash offers up a high five to Superman which he seems incredibly excited about, but Flash pulls the ol' TOO SLOW routine and leaves Superman looking the fool. Lois manages to get a question in to Flash and he zips over and starts hitting on her. Are all the other reporters in Metropolis really bad at trying to ask a question or does Lois just have a voice that pierces above and beyond the rest? Anyway, Flash does some macking and Supes ain't too pleased with it, but it's time to start the race anyway, so whatever.

The...mayor? Yeah mayor (voiced by Carl Lumbly!) attaches an armband to each our contestants so we can track them on the ridiculously and unnecessarily long race. He is handed them by a shady guy with a goatee. Yeesh.

Flash and Superman get poised at the starting line. Superman crouched over and Flash standing straight up with arms crossed, looking nonchalant and totally chill. Supes doesn't much like Flash. The Mayor fires off a gun, and the two take off through the town, down the busy streets. At one point they appear to go down one road and then turn back and go down a different road? The route for this race was really poorly planned.

AND 100 TIMES?

aaaarrrrrrgggh

As our heroes zip away from the starting line, the mayor spins around hilarious, Lois's skirt probably flew up again, and the shady goatee man creeps away almost foaming at the mouth with glee. He climbs into a jeep and drives off, removing not only a fake goatee but also fake hair! He turns off a road towards a house mysteriously covered with snow. The dude looks mighty pissed and stomps inside where this piddling dude is like "See Mark? It works!" and explains that the armbands on our heroes have already generated enough energy to power the weather controlling dumbell he holds.

"Mark" then grabs the dumbell and calls the other dude "little brother" which is something I also often do with no explanation to my family or anyone else around me. Little brother, big brother, second cousin, great aunt. Just constantly referring to relatives by how they are related to me. He yells at him and tells him not to make fucking snow piles out front, goddammit, the jeep almost got stuck and he doesn't have a ice scraper and how fucking annoying would it be to scrape your window when it's not even snowing 30 feet away?

Mark puts on some silly glasses and sends a video to NIMBUS or the army or something and makes some crazy threats and as a display of his power, decides to fuck with the weather in the ocean somewhere.

As the sky grows cloudy, the waters get rough and a boat gets into some trouble. Superman and Flash, on their like...35th lap or something just happen to be in the area.

God. ONE HUNDRED LAPS. That is some Nascar level shit there. And it's not like anyone could even watch. There's not even anything that exciting TOO watch. They're just going in a straight line. And everyone else is just seeing the dots on a tracking device. "Oh look, they're still right fucking next to each other, great." You would think a race between two goddamn superheroes would be exciting, but god, can we just do like a 100 meter dash next time? Isn't that really all that's necessary here? Is this really an endurance trial? STOP RUNNING.

Where the fuck was I.

Oh yeah, so Superman notices the boat in trouble and FLIES over to help and Flash is like, oh ok I guess we're done and he goes over to help too. They fix the boat and clean up the oil and save all the dudes. On the boat, Captain Earmuffs, who seems to fucking love his job, is showing Flash and Superman the tape Mark sent.

He has now declared himself the Weather Wizard. Flash says he recognizes him as someone he's arrested before.

Flash takes off to find Weather Wizard and Superman takes off after him. As they run back to Metropolis, Weather Wizard points his dumbell at his hoverhologlobe and makes a freak snow storm occur that freezes the two of them solid and probably fucks the ecosystem in the general area, for at least a little while.

Thankfully Superman was frozen with his eyes wide open and he charges up the laser eyes to melt his way out. Boiling hot steam on the eyes! Ow!

Flash is already out, and Superman asks how. He explains some stuff about vibrating and particles and melting. It's Flash, he might as well say "magic" most of the time. He did leave a wacky Looney Tunes-esque Flash cut-out in the ice.

Flash is about take off again, when Superman's gigantic brain ponders how Weather Wizard managed to target them so effectively. Uuuuh, he's a wizard.

THE ARMBANDS! They both declare!

Or...or the armbands, I guess.

They snap them off and again head toward Metropolis. Weather Wizard is making some more threats and demanding money or he'll unlease a hurricane that'll destroy Metropolis. In their little woodsy cabin, Ben (his little brother) is begging him not hurt anyone as that wasn't part of the deal. He made a weather control device to help people! He was just gonna let you play with it, now give it back! C'mon! I'm gonna call Mom! Weather Wizard tells his naggy little brother to just leave if he doesn't want to help kill people and also calls him a dork and a wuss. Ben leaves, but the Wiz also attacks him with...guess! A snow storm! It causes Ben to crash his jeep over a ledge, but Superman and Flash have arrived in time.

Inside, Wiz is pointing his wand at the hoverhologlobe and cranking it up to hurricane. I have no idea how his dumbell wand works.

There's no dials on it, and pointing at a globe is the most inaccurate method of targetting ever. It's like "HURRICANE. HERE." and then "here" ends up being all of North Carolina.

In Metropolis, it's getting a little stormy, and Lois's skirt is going a little crazy again. She also seems to still be standing at the start of the race.

Flash runs towards the house and suddenly lightning blasts out and hits him, multiple times. It's like some kind of sheild or something. Superman says he'll figure something out and does his little drill routine. He busts in and Weather Wizard blasts him with lightning from his wand. He says, for serious, "Your powers are nothing compared to mine."

Hahahaha, that's a fucking riot. His powers are nothing? Nothing? Hahahahahahaha. I could end this review right here because that is the funniest shit I have heard all day, Weather Wizard.

Around then, Flash comes zipping in through the hole in the floor as well, and makes with the punching of Mr. Wiz. I lost track of what went wrong here, but the machine starts basically fucking up. The inside of the house gets really windy and Superman grabs Wizard and Flash and flies them away. Thank god the machine breaks down and defaults to "off" instead of "on" otherwise we'd be blaming it for everything instead of global warming or El Nino, or it's retarded cousin, La Nina.

At the prison, Supes and Flash are patting each other on the back for a job well done and a house well blown up. Supes says to Flash, "This morning I thought you were a hyperactive jerk. But you're ok."

Yeah, thanks. Don't fly through any rings to be nice to me or anything. God.

Around this time they realize they forgot to finish the race.

They forgot.

To finish.

The race.

IT WAS FOR CHARITY YOU FUCKS!

They take off again and nothing gets resolved.

Of course, later in the DCAU, Flash circles the globe in like 4 seconds so really I guess that settles that.

A Swanky New Desktop

2008-06-16T05:47:04Z

I got a new computer so I made a new desktop for it.

The image is from the inside of one my JL folders, placed on a black background and cleaned up a bit. Enjoy!

Jordyn sings Seal's Kiss from a Rose in MSN.

2008-06-14T20:55:36Z

(1:39:04 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: badda badaaaaa bdaaadaa badaa
(1:39:15 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: baaaadadaadddaaa badadaaa
(1:39:44 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: theeeeeere used to be a grayer tie all alone on a sea
(1:39:55 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: and yoooooooooou became a light on the dark side of me
(1:40:08 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: and iiiiiiiii've remained
(1:40:15 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: a drum that's the high not the hear
(1:40:31 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: but did you know that when it snows my eyes become logs and the light that you shine can be seen
(1:40:33 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: BABY
(1:42:03 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: I COMMA LIKE A KISS FROM A ROSE ON THE GRAVE
(1:42:06 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
(1:42:34 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: THE MORE I GET A FLU THE DANGER IT STEALS A YEEAAAAAH
(1:43:22 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: NOW THAT YOUR ROSE IS IN DOOM A FLIGHT HITS THE GLUE ON THE GRAAAAAAVE
(1:43:58 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: badadadaaaa dada dada da daaaaaa
(1:44:19 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: theeeeeere is so much a man can tell you so much he can say
(1:44:35 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: and yoooooooooou remain
(1:44:37 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: MY POWER
(1:44:39 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: MY PLEASURE
(1:44:40 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: MY PAIN
(1:44:55 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: BABY
(1:45:11 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: to my your like growin dictionary kooshin eye
(1:45:30 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: won't you tell me is that healthy baaaaaay
(1:45:48 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: but did you know that when it snows my eyes become logs and the light that you shine can be seen
(1:46:20 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: OOOOOOH BABY
(1:46:54 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: I COMBAT YOU LIKE A KISS FROM A ROSS ON THE GRAVE
(1:47:30 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: THE MORE I GET A FLU THE DANGER IT STEALS A YEEAAAAAH
(1:47:36 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: NOW THAT YOUR ROSE IS IN DOOM A FLIGHT HITS THE GLUE ON THE GRAAAAAAVE
(1:47:50 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: *musical interlude*
(1:47:53 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: Iiiiiiii've beeeeeeen
(1:48:02 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: kissed by a rose on a grave
(1:48:12 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: and if I should call a rose...
(1:48:13 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: soemting...
(1:48:23 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: there is so much a man can tell you so mcuh he can
(1:48:24 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: oh wait
(1:48:25 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: MY POWER
(1:48:27 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: MY PLEASURe
(1:48:29 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: MY PAIN
(1:48:35 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: I've stopped pausing the song to type.
(1:48:48 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: crap uh...
(1:48:49 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: BABY!
(1:49:23 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: NOW THAT YOUR ROSE IN A GRAVE THE LIGHT HITS IT AND MY EYES AND A KISS
(1:49:26 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: BATMAN
(1:50:11 PM) J'ordynn J'onzz: THE. END.

The Last Resort

2008-06-14T05:21:55Z

For my last review ever, I am going to review The Last Resort.

Ah, teenagers. So troubled. So troublesome. For ages they have antogonized their parents, making them stew over how to deal with their problems, as they watch their children who were once sweet angels turn into bitter demons who can't even turn down the fucking stereo. And yes, it turns out that even in the future, these problems still run rampant. It is part of who we are as humans. Teenagers will always be teenagers, kids will be kids, babies will be disgusting, and the elderly will make us all uncomfortable. Especially if they used to be Batman, and could likely still kick our ass.

Terry is zipping around in the Batmobile talking to Max who is getting him up to speed on the latest gossip at Hamilton High. Terry is shocked to learn that there are now TWO Erics at his school. I would be more shocked that there's only two, but it's the future so maybe Eric has become a terribly archaic name to give a child like Rutherford or Napoleon or Frodo. Apparently this gossip review is to make it so no one suspects Terry of anything when he doesn't know who's dating who at school on Monday. Like if I had shown up for class one day and not known the latest rumors, I would've been accused of being Batman. Who the hell is keeping such close track of Terry that not knowing gossip is going to give away his secret identity?

"POP QUIZ TERRY. WHO IS BLADE DATING? WHO IS SHE DATING?"
"I don't...I don't know!"
"IS IT BECAUSE...YOU'RE BATMAN?"
"NO! BATMAN WOULD KNOW! HE KNOWS EVERYTHING!"

Lookit that, I just solved that problem.

Anyway, as he's flying the Batmobile, he sees a police chase happening and decides to head over and help since he can probably end it sooner and with more property damage. The stolen vehicle is rather large and knocks into buildings really well. It does a gratuitous barrel roll, but Batman snares it and brings it to a stop. Max is incredibly interested in who was driving for some reason, and out of the vehicle stumbles a kid from their high school, Sean. They are both shocked.

The scene changes to a creepy video of a guy named David Wheeler talking about his "ranch" for problem teens, like the one seen here, stealing a car and getting apprehended by Batman. Sending teens to a ranch sounds so much like sending an old dog to a nice farm where he can run around and be happy. Chelsea is talking to Dana and Terry about it, and about all the kids that have already been sent there. It's amazing that so many have been sent, while apparently none have come back so no one has seen any results from this guy. But sure! Take my child! I'm sick of them!

Chelsea isn't fond of the idea and sends an e-mail to the school principal to let him know. Probably one of my favorite parts of the episode is the e-mail which gives us solid confirmation of the spelling of "schway."

The principal is all "oh ho ho really" and calls up Chelsea's dad who decides to have Chelsea taken away to the ranch as well. I mean, she really might as well be hijacking a car at this point. Plus, he's sick of having her around.

At the ranch...

God I can't keep calling it that. First of all, it makes me think of ranch dressing. Secondly, I find myself completely unable to say it without smirking. I think of rowdy teenagers taken away to the farm to be broken like the wild horses they are. Neutered like geldings, and used for mundane farm work at the Hidden Valley Ranch.

Let's call it camp now.

At camp, all of the teens are skipping around in orange jumpsuits and sitting on an orange couch. Sean notices Chelsea who is wearing her standard issue orange short dress. "You're in what basically amounts to a correctional facility, but that doesn't mean you can't look like a sexy construction worker."

Sean accuses Chelsea of talking about him behind his back and she says she never did and he says that that's even worse. See Sean is one of those people you absolutely cannot reason with. Sometimes we call them "shitheads." Before he gets much creepier in her business, she sees someone she knows! Some guy named Adam! Oh thank god! She runs over to him and is all about to strike up a conversation as he paints, only to find that he is unresponsive and that her Bob Ross buddy is painting a happy little nothing. Chelsea is appalled and Sean explains that it's because Adam got "iso" recently. And then cackles his horrible laugh.

A bell or alarm or some sort of alert goes off and Sean explains that it's time for class. Chelsea is confused. Class? I thought we were just going to hang out all day. No Chelsea, you have to go to class, and then it's to quarry with you to break rocks until sundown.

At class, Wheeler's head is on a giant video screen and he is yelling at all the kids who are lined up in very nice rows. If we could've made rows that nice in marching band, we might've actually won something.

Terry is outside spying on it and taping the audio with his Batsuit while he tells Bruce what's going on. Bruce explains that they're trying to crush the students with sleep deprivation. Some might call it "getting them ready for college." The not getting to go to the bathroom thing doesn't really fit as I totally did that all the time in college. Oh yeah, I think back to my glory days at SDSU. Just freeing my body of its waste products. Good times.

Also what happened to Bruce's cane here?

A kid asking to sleep is punished with "iso" and as Terry goes to move from the window, bumps into a laser and triggers an alarm. Fucking good one. A bunch of guards give chase, including one flying what looks like a Segway of the future.

Really all that's missing from the picture for me is a bike helmet.

Terry finally throws down a bat smoke bomb. Duh Terry! And makes his escape. He goes back to the batcave and tells Bruce to take the evidence to the cops. Bruce points out the very obvious "where do I tell them I got it? I can't believe I let you be Batman." Thankfully Terry redeems himself by coming up with a plan to get a video camera inside the camp.

He goes to visit Chelsea and is very defensive about the guards taking his backpack. He finally lets them, only to see them just heave the thing as hard as they can into another a room. Thanks guys! It's not like I might be carrying anything breakable!

He goes to the visiting area where a couple parents are trying to talk to their teen, who is still angsty and troubled despite spending all this time at this great place, go figure! The parents don't understand, there's everything a kid could want here. Orange jumpsuits, all of their friends, a palm tree.

It's like Miami or something!

Another guard comes out and tells Terry that Chelsea cancelled their meeting. He's like what the hell that is bullshit and when the guard is distracted sneaks in back. He finds Chelsea who looks like total fucking balls except for her sexy orange dress. She says they told her that he cancelled, those sneaky fucks! Terry whips out the camera he brought and starts filming her testimony of what's really going on at the camp. She explains that iso is "total sense deprivation; no light, no sound." Which seems like, if you're sleepy, why not act up and go take a nap in iso? I can't get that much peace and quiet around the house. And fuck those guys, I got more than 2 senses. The only one they can really mess up is sight. I mean, I can still MAKE noise. I can lick anything. If there's something to smell, I could smell it. Like...my hands. I can still touch stuff. It seriously just seems like a nice nap time.

Terry tells her he's gonna get her out of there and that she should just try to stay schway for a couple more days. God what a good friend. And he's so...so handsome. And strong. Goodness.

Anyway, as Terry is getting ready to make good his escape, Sean that fuck sees him and runs up to try to start a fight because he is a douche. This draws the attention of the guards who were all far away rather than being right by the door, where one would expect guards to be. Wheeler is like "who the hell is this guy, he ain't in orange!" They search him and Wheeler finds the video Terry made of Chelsea. He instructs the guards to lock him up overnight, along with Sean who was causing trouble. And if no one comes for Terry, then they're going to kill him in the morning. I can't even begin to enumerate the things wrong with this plan. Like all of the people that have seen him there? The idea that his death would look like he got lost in the woods and just...I guess died? Except they would have to actually kill him and dump the body somewhere and so they body would actually look killed, I have no idea what this guy thought he would do. I'll pretend there was more to this plan than he said. IT WAS ACTUALLY A BRILLIANT BRILLIANT PLAN. Except for all of the witnesses.

They throw Terry and Sean into a couple of rooms and are getting ready to move them to "iso" but Terry isn't about to give up. He tells Sean that the two of them could kick the guards' asses and be fucking running this place. Bitches up ins! Sean's not really having any of Terry's sweet talk though, because he has turned into a fucking Eeyore bitch.

As they move them to "iso" though, oh what's this? They fight back! And they are so winning. They even get some help from Adam who busts a chair over a guard's head and gives Terry a knowing "I was just foolin' with that painting nothing shit" even though Terry didn't see any of that. Sean grabs the master key off one of the guards. He wonders what Terry's deal is, as Terry is all about getting his backpack instead.

Of course, the goddamn Batsuit is in the backpack, and he puts it on thankfully without anyone walking in on him. He runs out and begins fighting off the guards with the aid of his army of teenagers.

He notices that Sean is not around and finds him on the roof of the building about to kill Wheeler. He is naturally like "noooo, you helped save everyone!" And Wheeler is just like "whatever!" instead of "How do you know, are you Terry McGinnis?"

"No I'm Batman, I know everything!"

Sean drops Wheeler and cackles his awful cackle again, but Batman naturally catches him and everything turns out ok. Outside the building, the police have somehow been alerted, as have every single parent. The kids all run and hug them, except Chelsea who just completely fucking disses her dad. Fuck yes.

And look! Even Bruce has hauled his grouchy ass out of his cave to make sure Terry's okay! Isn't that sweet? He could've like, called on the radio in the batsuit, but this works too and is more touching.

And don't we all like to be touched?

OK! SO MAYBE SOMETHING NEXT WEEK? MAYBE!

ECCC J'onn Sketch

2008-06-13T21:35:34Z

Stephen JB Jones was at Emerald City Comic Con and god, I bugged him for entirely too long. He was a character designer and storyboard artist on various DCAU shows. I also spent some cash on a sketch of Martian Manhunter from him.

I bugged him so much he gave me a sweet action pose!

My DCAU collection has grown a great deal in the past few months. I've gotten, well, ALL of the Batman and Batman Beyond comics (save for one) and a Batman maquette. I got two Diane Duane books from a friend, an awesome Batman pop-up book, some more JLU figures, Superman 64 (hahaha, yeah), and a couple Batman figures. A lot of stuff, basically.

A new review is in the works. I feel so out of practice! But maybe after this one I will feel like doing another one. I already think that might happen. Look for new stuff probably late tonight.

JL Card Game

2008-06-12T19:49:43Z

I got this JL Card Game for my birthday. Here's a brief and incorrect example of how to play it:

Ben likes to play the villain side because this came out after season 1 and there were more sexy ladies on the villain side.

The goal of the game is to win. I win the most because I watch the show the most.

(NEW EPISODE REVIEW LIKE TOMORROW PROBABLY I AM SERIOUS)

Happy Valentines Day!

2008-02-15T05:04:03Z

I've made these for the past three years now and there's a lot so most of them are behind the cut, but here are some of my favorites:

Comic Scan: Justice League Adventures #23

2008-01-24T17:15:31Z

Kobra, do you seriously do the "ssss" thing on "sh" words too?

(also I have a new article up at anothercastle.com so go read it!)

The ten best...

2008-01-21T23:07:22Z

I watched Return of the Joker this weekend as having the soundtrack on a constant loop in my car sort of put me in the mood for it. Watching the flashback to Joker's death got me thinking about what the absolute best scenes in the DCAU are. Rifling through scenes made me realize that there are great moments that aren't really part of great scenes. Then I started thinking about the best fights.

Well before long, I sounded like a blubbering moron.

I'm working on some lists though as I work through more two-parters and I'll post the end results when I have end results. Until then, what are your guys' favorites?

What is the BEST scene in the entire DCAU?

I Will Bake Dwayne McDuffie A Pie...

2008-01-18T17:40:24Z

For every JLU reference he shoves in his run on Justice League of America.

Do you hear me? I have promised you pie. I will even take the time to get good at baking pies before mailing these pies off to you. So far I owe you at least three pies:

Hell, the first arc is all about Luthor, Joker, and Cheetah starting a new Injustice League and the arc is called "Unlimited."

I just have no idea what to count as a reference.

Hey look, GL is helping Hawkgirl, eh? Is that...? I don't know. Now GL's fighting Shadowthief, should he get a pie for that? Ya know what, sure.

How many pies do you want, Dwayne?

NAME YOUR PIE PRICE.

AND I SHALL PAY.

p.s. what sort of pastry would it take to get some Static Shock in there too?

Announcement: More Words Have Appeared On the Internet

2008-01-17T23:27:33Z

Hello semi-loyal readers

Hopefully once a week, I will be writing an article for http://anothercastle.com/

My first foray into this new land is currently up and you can scamper off to read it now.

If you've had just about enough of the internet and its "information" and "opinions," might I suggest a delicious sandwich instead?

The Main Man Part 2

2008-01-16T15:41:08Z

Fuck my rambling, let's dive right in!

Emperor Spooj (who Lobo was delivering Sqweek too) is unhappy because Lobo has not delivered Sqweek to him yet. He's yelling at Sqweek's brother Gnaww and his goons who Lobo beat the crap out of in the previous episode. Gnaww is trying the feed the Emperor some line about Lobo double-crossing him and he decides to send Gnaww and the crew out after Lobo despite them totally getting their asses handed to them earlier. Maybe the Emperor just has a nice sense of humor like that. I should point out that the Emperor is very gross and when he pounds his "fists" stuff flies off him and it kinds looks like leeches or something, but it isn't.

Superman is still in his incredible simulation of Krypton but has convinced the Preserver to let him change out of his incredibly simulated clothes and back into his Superman outfit. His incredibly simulated room seemed to be lacking an incredibly simulated changing area but we won't dwell on that too much. We also won't dwell on who changed him into the other outfit in the first place and how awkward/arousing that might've been.

One room over, Lobo is chilling out, maxin', relaxin' all cool and is gassed out of his mind, weakening him and making him forget he's imprisoned. His room is an incredible simulation of a basement in 1978.

He walks into the glass wall and things come reeling back. He pounds on it, cracking it once before the two robot chicks in the room come over and start gassing him some more. I would turn up their programming so that maybe that gas would start coming out before he damages stuff, but I'm not a floaty egg guy so who am I to talk?

Supes looks around and sees a shiny rock crystal thingy displayed exactly as it might've been displayed on Krypton (incredible!). He grabs it starts reflecting the light from at the eyes of one of those rhino things from Super Mario World.

He apologizes like he's killing it or something, then manages to get the thing to charge at his cage, busting the glass open and freeing him! Superman grabs a piece of the broken glass and crushes it in his hand, trying to gauge how much of his strength has returned now that he's out from under the red lights. It's the same way I gauge my strength. My hand's cut up real bad now. The answer is, it's kinda back, but not really.

As he looks for an exit, Lobo suggests that Superman rescue him too. When Superman refuses, Lobo threatens Earth which, oh my god, Superman can't have that. He cuts a deal. He busts Lobo out, and Lobo agrees to steer clear of Earth from now on. Lobo agrees and Superman lays waste to Lobo's jar. The robot girls finally notice what is up and come over to give Lobo a blast of gas, but he grabs their gas tubes and ties them together, resulting in my favorite shot to randomly post out of context ever.

I almost feel bad giving it context here. Like I'll have to throw it in randomly in a later review or something.

The Preserver has sent some security droids to take care of Supes and Lobo as he is obviously a fragile egg-like creature, who, even when hard-boiled, must be carefully lowered into the dye with a fancy, metal dipping device that is included in the dye kit. The droids float towards Supes and Lobo who duck behind some cages to hide. They're all "blast blast kablooey! even though all the animals there are the last of their species and whatnot. That's what you get for using droids, I guess. Not that the Preserver seems to care.

Supes says they need a distraction, and Lobo decides to just shove him into the line of fire. If only there had been some wild animals around. Oh well. The two take out the droids one by one and start making their way to the loading dock with their bike/ship. Lobo though would rather go beat the shit out of the Preserver, and who can blame him? While they debate about it though, they have conveniently stopped over a trap door. The Preserver hits a button and sends the two plummeting into a pit with a horrible snake-like creature?

Where's Kevin Bacon when you need him?

Oh wait, fuck that, you don't him because you have Superman and Lobo. Supes tangles with the creature for a bit before Lobo, grabs it by the tail and...ugh, rips its skin off.

Meanwhile, Sqweek's brother Gnaww is giving the Preserver a ring, telling him they've tracked Lobo to his ship. The Preserver, still trying to stay away from the action, invites Gnaww and his goons onto the ship to fight Superman and Lobo, hoping they stand a chance with the two juggernauts both in rather weakened states.

On their romp through the Preserver's ship, Lobo has found where he's been keeping Sqweek and grabs him so he can still collect on his bounty. Gnaww has caught up with them too and they give chase. Supes and Lobo hide but Supes comes up with a plan and tells Lobo to head for the docking bay while he holds off Gnaww and Co. Lobo runs off and they fire at Superman who summons the bit of strength he has to rip open a door on a nearby animal housing thing. The goons assume Superman was trying to release a horrible monster on them and decide to throw him in there instead. The pick him up and give him a heave and then run in behind him, to watch I guess, which is more than I can say for a lot of bad guys who just assume people are dead. Out from some nearby bushes though, hops a bird. Superman says it's a dodo, and it's from earf, motherfuckers. He looks up at the yellow sun lamps.

Or well...

The incredible simulation of yellow sun lamps. At any rate, they're enough to give him the buzz he needs to power up and kick everyone's ass.

Lobo in this time, has made it to his bike, but the Preserver has finally decided to get involved. Unfortunately for Lobo and Supes, he has set his Ben10 watch to "horrible red monster thing" and isn't a delicate little flower anymore.

Lobo gets a bright idea and flings a chain/ax thing into a control panel causing all the bay doors to open. What luck! He holds on to the chain and his bike and Superman holds on, his fingers digging into the floor. The Preserver however, is not so lucky and goes flying into space screaming, "I'll get you next time, Lobo! NEXT TIME!"

Lobo is explaining all of this Emperor Spooj who is now using Sqweek to clean his...I don't know, I have no idea what Sqweek is doing. Who really cares?

Superman has taken all of the Preserver's creatures and given them new homes in his fortress, and here's hoping the Preserver wrote down what to feed them and how often they need to go out for walks and when they're due for their next shots.

I'd hate to get whatever crazy flu some of those creatures are probably carrying.

Comic Scan: JLU #20

2008-01-15T15:44:17Z

I don't...I don't even...

The Main Man Part 1

2008-01-14T15:43:46Z

All right all right, I'm a goddamn slacker. I went home for Christmas, I came back and decided that I really just needed some time to chill out. But now I'm excited to do some two-parters from the other series and we're kicking things off today with The Main Man and the DCAU debut of that lovable bounty hunter Lobo.

First, let me ask you guys, have you watched the new American Gladiators? Have you gotten a taste of Wolf?

Did you know Lobo means wolf? Are you happier knowing this? Or sad? I can't seem to decide.

The episode starts with Superman in the desert flying around in his little rocket ship that he fit into perfectly as a baby and now fits into perfectly as an adult. He zips past the shelter housing Professor Hamilton and other scientists from STAR Labs who look at their computational devices whose readings are, as they say, "off the scale."

Supes turns around and points his rocket right at their tiny hut made from clay and dirt, likely built by local natives and bears down upon it like a dog gone mad. The scientists all shit themselves, and Superman, satisfied with those results, pulls up and parks his rocket outside. He hops out and and Hamilton runs up declaring their work to restore it a success then tries to subtly ask Superman where he kept all these years, but Superman declines to answer for fear he would accidentally say "In a barn at the house of my adoptive earth parents, John and Martha Kent-FUCK!" Hamilton gets all ooh-aah about space travel for a minute and ponders the wonderful creatures that might exist there.

Cut to Lobo. Naturally. He's in a bar called, no joke, the Steaming Load.

He's beating on dudes, as is his wont. He grabs this little dude, Sqweek, who has a face with an eye and on that eye is another face which is like whoa.

Sqweek is Lobo's latest bounty, but he's got some trouble as Sqweek's brother is after him too. Lobo, being the baddest badass ever, prevails over Sqweek's brother and his lackeys. Lobo whistles for a cab and when it came near the license pla-WHOA HOLD ON.

He whistles for his motorcycle, which flies over and he rides it out into space. As he nears a large ship, a weird floaty egg-esque guy spots him and commands that he be zapped. Lobo finds himself aboard the egg guy's ship and his none to happy about. Eggo introduces himself as the Preserver and gestures down his hallway as he talks about collecting the rarest species in the universe, despite there obviously being two of the same creature in opposite tubes.

He tells Lobo that he would like to hire him to capture the last Kryptonian for him. The last Krypt--why, that's Superman! Lobo isn't up for it, but the Preserver shows him a pile of money which changes his mind.

On Earth, some news crews have spotted Lobo flying around and he lands his bike at a police station where he demands to talk to Superman. The cop tells him that Supes doesn't show unless there's trouble, well good idea cop.

At the Planet, Lois flops a paper down in front of Clark with a story he's written on the front page. She asks Clark how he manages to get these stories and Clark calmly explains that he's actually Superman in disguise and he uses that to get the drop on news and blah blah blah. Lois calls him sick and stomps off.

Women.

Shortly after this he's alerted to Lobo's no goodery down at the police station and flies off to take care of it. Lois, at the same time, receives a phone call about the action and notices that Clark is gone already, much to her dismay.

At the police station, Lobo has just armed a bomb when Superman flies up and carelessly rips all the wires out. Good thing that didn't just set the bomb off, huh, Superman? As oft happens in these situations, the two heavyweights go at it. They throw each other into public property and at police cars and such. An officer asks Superman what the deal with Lobo is and Superman declares "I've never seen a creature like this!"

"I've never seen a humanoid creature with pale skin and long black hair wearing pants and ripped leather jacket! I've never even seen anything like it."

Lois zips up in a taxi despite the fact that she has her own car. Maybe she's tired of Superman throwing stuff at/crashing into/totally destroying it. She watches the two of them duke it out some more, and they go flying through LexCorp, laying waste to the building's delicate infrastructure. Lobo, on his bike once more, fires a rocket which Superman easily dodges, but flies after to stop its impact with a commuter train, again resulting in devastating crash through LexCorp. Lobo notices at this time, Supes weakness: his giant heart.

Supes steers the rocket clear of any innocent bystanders but its explosion weakens him and he crashes to the ground. Lois runs up all like "ooh let me get in the way." She smacks Lobo with a pipe, ineffectively. Supes tells her to get back but she's dumb so whatever.

More fighting, more fighting until Lobo hops on his rocket bike and decides to book it into space, but first tells Superman that he'll be back to totally fuck Earth's shit up, hahaha.

Superman decides he needs to take his rocket into space after Lobo and fight him there before he can return, which made some sort of crazy sense when he explained. Probably used his super-hypnosis. In space, his rocket is picking up Lobo's bike's ion trail, when Lobo jumps him out of nowhere. Supes blasts him off his rocket and then his rocket starts firing lasers and shit too. Did those come standard as he rocketed away from Krypton? The rocket takes a few too many hits though, forcing Superman to eject and go at Lobo the old-fashioned way.

Aboard the Preserver's ship, we hear a robot tell him that Lobo has lured Superman close enough. A shot fires out and Superman his zapped. A final punch from Lobo knocks him out.

He wakes up with traditional Krypton garb on and looks around.

It...it can't be! Krypton?

Superman is a room, surrounded by glass. There is a red lamp, sucking him of his super powers and apparently also his power to see more than 8 feet or to notice when he is in a room surrounded by glass.

The Preserver explains that he's not on Krypton, but "an incredible simulation."

Yes. Incredible.

This looks just like a room might have looked like on Krypton. It's amazing. There's a thing to sit on. There's decorations. Glass walls you can't escape from. I really feel like I'm living on Krypton when I'm sitting in this room as long as I don't look out and notice that there's a bunch of other animals in cages out there. But no seriously, Preserver guy, this is absolutely mind-blowing.

Lobo laughs at Supes and tells the Preserver that if he needs anything else, he knows where to find him. The Preserver says he does need one other thing: the last Czarnian. Which is Lobo. So he gasses Lobo and locks him up too.

HOW WILL THIS ALL BE CONCLUDED?

Batman Two-Parter

2008-01-07T20:09:56Z

Starting next week, I'm going to do a few non-JL two-parters. I know which Superman episode and I think I know which Batman Beyond, but I'd like some votes on the Batman episode. So pick one of these, and comment.

Cat and the Claw
Two-Face
Heart of Steel
The Demon's Quest
Shadow of the Bat

Christmas Loot

2007-12-25T16:52:39Z

I got the Justice League Chronicles GBA game, you guys!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Christmas Downtime

2007-12-23T23:31:32Z

I'm in South Dakota, and my goals of keeping this updated over the holidays are coming up unbeleiveably short.

I did go see National Treasure 2 with my family though. That was pretty dumb. Nicholas Cage was very Nicholas Cage. I think he should have a CSI show.

Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Announcement: Still Feel Like Ass

2007-12-19T05:28:00Z

Things will resume when I am not light-headed from simple routine tasks.

Announcement: The Canadian Bird Flu

2007-12-18T06:10:27Z

I went to Canada this weekend and met this awesome duck, but he made me sick so stuff will be up tomorrow.

"Comic Scan" Bruce Timm Sketch

2007-12-15T19:25:35Z

They sure as fuck should.